OCD?

I am posting the transcript of a chat with a friend (I have changed her name in the transcript for privacy) here - I think I might have OCD, and I think I described my symptoms fairly thoroughly in this chat (WARNING: Strong language)

Facebook chat on 8/10/09-8/11/09:

11:12pmClaire

So, I sent this psychologist an email telling her about my problems and asking how to do better at life

She answered it on her podcast, and I'm upset about the answer

11:13pmMax

what was it ?

11:13pmClaire

She's some sort of therapist, so I asked my question for help, and she gave some generic advice, but you know what she told me?

She said I need to go see a cognitive therapist.

11:14pmMax

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAA. (((:

11:14pmClaire

And that my questions were disturbing

So I guess I'm messed up in the head. :/:/

11:14pmMax

:))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

11:14pmClaire

FUB

11:14pmMax

i am LOLing so hard right noowwww (:

11:15pmClaire

I just wanted to know what random mental disorder I know nothing about that I must have!

And instead she refers me to a frickin therapist!

11:15pmMax

ahhhhhhhhhhhhh

aaaaaa

11:15pmClaire

NOT FUNNY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

11:16pmMax

you are so paranoiidddd.

11:16pmClaire

GAAHH!!

11:17pmClaire

Honestly, I just want to know if I have OCD or not. Because I tend to have a lot of intrusive thoughts, and I feel obsessed with labels, as well as with my own emotions, judgment, and wrongdoings.

11:18pmMax

everyone is like thatttt.

11:19pmClaire

I don't feel like they're obsessed the way I am, though. Every single day I sit on the computer and go on google and research all this crap, looking for labels for myself.

11:19pmMax

i do sometimes tooo.

11:20pmClaire

But every single day? It's getting out of hand, and I'm angry at myself for wasting all this time thinking about what I know deep down is irrelevant in the grand scheme of things.

And sometimes I can't hold knives because I get urges to hurt people with them

I've imagined killing myself, my sisters, my mom and dad. It would be so easy, and the impulses tell me to do it. And it scares me.

11:21pmMax

why don't you talk to your madreeee about it ???

11:22pmClaire

No.

11:22pmMax

why >

11:22pmClaire

I can't talk to people about it in real life. Only on the internet. I'm too self conscious and paranoid.

11:23pmMax

well write her a e-mail you big dumb bitch.

11:23pmClaire

I could also have socially dependent personality disorder - I get lonely easily and feel a need to be accepted. But then, everyone's like that sometimes.

No.

I don't want her to know.

11:23pmMax

whyyyyyyyyyyy ?

11:23pmClaire

I'm uncomfortable talking about it

I'll brush the subject, and I'll be afraid to the point of being all shaky and numb. I have too much pride anyway

11:24pmMax

i sorrryyy but if you feel like you are going to hurt someone you should tell someoneeee with authority.

11:25pmClaire

I can resist the impulses, I always have, but they're scary.

11:25pMax

:(:( TELL SOMEONE YOU SHIT BAGG.

11:26pmClaire

And also, I'm a germophobe. If I get sick, the outfit I was wearing that day, the songs I listen to, my bedspread, etc. all become "unlucky" and I'll try to avoid them. It's totally irrational, but I do it anyway. I'
M TELLING YOU, BITCH! It feels good to let it out.

11:27pmMax

ahahha okay keep on letting in ouuttt.

11:27pmClaire

Ok, here's a link to a page talking about OCD - http://kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/mental_health/ocd.html#

Tell me if it sounds like what I just told you

11:27pmMax

my computer won't let me open it but claiire you do NOT have ocddd.

11:28pmClaire

Why won't it let you open it? Look it up on Wikipedia. Or maybe I'm neurotic. OCD is a symptom of the general state of being neurotic.

And you know how I learned that? From all my hours of research. God bless Wikipedia.

11:29pmMax

You are such a dorrkkkk <3<3 annnddd is that alllll ?

11:29pmClaire

NO.

11:29pmMax

okay keep going pleaseee.

11:30pmClaire

Tell me I have some disorder. I like it when people tell me I have these disorders. It makes me feel good about myself.

11:30pmMax

you have sexinessidis (; ahaha

11:31pmClaire

I don't know why. It's dumb. I feel like I'm trying to delude myself into having these things to fuel my superiority complex. But I don't know why mental disorders make me feel superior - I get this gleeful feeling when someone mentions that I might have one, though.

11:31pmMax

interestttiinnngggg.

11:32pmClaire

The glee frightens me as well. So I'll argue against the person telling me I have such and such problem, pointing out all the reasons why I DON'T have it, yet I'll WANT to have it at the same time. I think it has to do with my obsession with labels.

You know, you could always copy and paste the link into your browser.

11:32pmMax

no hoe.

11:33pmClaire

Please? It would make me feel better. :):)

11:33pmMax

okkkayyyyyyyyy.

11:33pmClaire

Yay! Thanks! :D:D

11:34pmMax

where do you want to copy and paste ittt ?

11:35pmClaire

Open a new window or a new tab and copy and paste into the web address bar and click go or press enter

11:36pmMax

oh ooooookkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk.

11:36pmClaire

Did it work?

11:37pmMax

no my computer is like not letting me do anything besides the website i'm already on if my computer shuts down i will be right back on okayy.

11:37pmClaire

okay

11:37pmMax

okkaayyy i'm sorrryyyyy ;( i will do it tomorrow thoughhh.

11:38pmClaire

Wait, I can copy and paste stuff into this chat window

Here is a list of common OCD-related obsessions:

fear of dirt or germs
fear of contamination
a need for symmetry, order, and precision
religious obsessions
preoccupation with body wastes
lucky and unlucky numbers
sexual or aggressive thoughts
fear of illness or harm coming to oneself or relatives
preoccupation with household items
intrusive sounds or words

11:39pmMax

sexualllll heyyyy (; ahahah

11:40pmClaire

I dislike germs, but I am not a germophobe. However, I do have religious obsessions, lucky and unlucky numbers and objects, sexual/aggressive thoughts, fear of harm, and intrusive sounds/words

11:40pmMax

hmmmmmmmmmmmm .

11:40pmClaire

I swear one night I heard this kid say in my head, killing is an art. It was completely involuntary, that thought.

11:41pmMax

okay thats a little freakkyyy.

11:41pmClaire

It would also explain my late night "visions"

That's when I can't fall asleep so I think about the gruesome murders of those around me

And all the ghosts and murderers

And I swear, every night I hear things

11:42pmMax

i dothink about that every night so you are not alonnee.

11:42pmClaire

I'll be listening to the fan, and I'll think it's footsteps. I always hear footsteps. Footsteps suck!

11:43pmMax

fffoooo shooooooo.

11:43pmClaire

So sometimes I'll lock my door

But then I'll get worried about it, and I'll think that maybe my mom will try to open the door in the morning and yell at me

Come to think of it, I recheck locks a lot

11:44pmMax

me tooo.

11:44pmClaire

Maybe we both have it, bitch

11:44pmMax

mayybe your physcooo

11:45pmClaire

And maybe this is just a self-fulfilling prophecy and I'm completely normal but I think too highly of myself to believe that I don't have it

11:46pmMax

claire you are a NORMAL teenage girrll.

11:46pmClaire

STFU asshole

11:47pmMax

no like claire you have changed alot since the first time you have joined our troop but in a NORMAL GOOD way.

11:47pmClaire

NO

I don't want to be like this

I want to be carefree and innocent, like I used to be

11:47pmMax

whyyyyyyyyyy ?

11:48pmClaire

I hate death, and pain. I hate thinking about it. My parents think I'm depressed.

I feel like I'm too preoccupied with death.

11:48pmMax

well then maybe you should see a doctor.

11:49pmClaire

NO.

11:49pmMax

then what are you gonna do claireee ?

11:49pmClaire

I can't talk to them. I would waste my parents' money. Besides, there's nothing wrong with me. I'm just deluding myself.

I'm gonna badger you about it

11:50pmMax

okay fine with meeee (;

11:50pmClaire

There's nothing I can do until I know if I have it or not, and I can't know if I have it. I'm afraid of doctors anyway.

I usually end up in tears by the end of every doctor's office visit

11:50pmMax

:OOOOOOOO

11:51pmClaire

?

What's wrong with that? The doctor's office is a death trap

11:51pmMax

you are scared oof something *scarcaticlly

11:52pmClaire

I'm always afraid someone will puke, and there are too many germs. That's also why I avoid the nurse's office in school, even when I feel like complete crap.

11:53pmMax

but you just said you like germmss ?

11:54pmClaire

No, I said I wasn't a germophobe. But that doesn't stop me from hating the doctor's office, because that place is associated with illness and bad memories

11:54pmMax

oh okkkaayayyy i get it noww.

http://static.ak.fbcdn.net/rsrc.php/z2HFX/hash/bjamloip.gif

11:56pmClaire

Back to the subject of my mind, have you ever been praying or something, and suddenly your mind will be all like, Fuck God, fuck this bullshit, and you'll be like no, no, God if you heard that, I didn't mean it FUCK GOD FUCK GOD FUCK GOD, whilst continuing to pray?

11:56pmMax

yeahh hhahah

11:58pmClaire

And do you have any particular things you consider unlucky? I can't listen to the song Wings of a Butterfly by HIM or Carry Your Cross And I'll Carry Mine by Tiamat or Why Can't I by Liz Phair because I believe they'll make me ill.

I also can't use my flowered bedspread, and I wouldn't wear my MCR shirt (I never did again) after I felt sick while wearing it.

12:00amMax

not really i would have to think about ittt.

12:01amClaire

Well I do that sometimes, and I've been doing research while chatting with you, and my religious obsessions could be explained by a branch of OCD known as scrupulosity

12:01amMax

intereesssttiinnnngggg.

12:02amClaire

And according to this one website one in five Americans has OCD, so it would make sense for me to have it

12:02amMax

BUT YOU FREAKINGDONT HAVE ITTTT.

12:03amClaire

I also hoard - I'll save old school papers and stuff because even though they're useless, I'll be thinking about the future and that I might regret throwing them out, and it kind of hurts to get rid of stuff, even junk

12:03amMax

i do that too

12:04amClaire

I'm trying to convince myself that I have it and that I don't have it at the same time

Yesterday

12:04amMax

YOUUUU FUCKING DONT YOU ASS WIPPE.

12:05amClaire

Can you logically back up that hypothesis?

12:06amMax

can you ? a doctor hasn't proven it yet.

12:06amClaire

I want your opinion because I'm afraid of doctors

And I like making my own diagnoses because I don't always even trust doctors. They'll say I don't have something, but I'll keep thinking I have it anyway.

12:07amMax

no you freaking dont beileve meee.

12:07amClaire

How do you know?

12:07amMax

because you dont yo.

12:08amClaire

Why not?

I need a reason!

12:09amMax

really claire you arent just leave it that slampe.

12:09amClaire

Please give me a reason or I'll be upset. :(:(

12:10amMax

you are just overreacting you aee making things seem worse than they areel

12:11amClaire

But why am I overreacting?

12:12amMax

because thats what every teenage girls does overreact.

12:12amClaire

I overreact more than other people. I know it's just my human nature that causes this crap, but I can't stop thinking about it.

12:13amMax

stop overreacting

12:15amClaire

I know why I'm doing this. I'm feeling unending remorse subconsciously, so I'm trying to justify my wrongdoings by blaming them on disorders, thus creating self fulfilling prophecies. But why can't I stop? I'm dumbing myself down, and I'm deluding myself, and I can't stop thinking about it. I want to know WHY.

12:16amMax

STOP BUTTHOLE.

12:16amClaire

Help me!

12:16amMax

i am trying to you jsut nedd to clam downnn.

12:16amClaire

No one listens to my pleas, either that or when they do I tell them nothing's wrong and deny and suspicions of theirs

I am calm.

12:17amMax

interrrestingggggggg.

12:18amClaire

Are you trying to sound all therapist-y?

12:18amMax

yesss.

12:18amClaire

But therapists are probably good spellers!

12:21amMax

true dat true dat

12:21amClaire

lol

FUB

12:22amMax

go fub yourselfff.

12:22amClaire

That makes no sense bitch

And I have a fucking headache from thinking so much

12:22amMax

oh boo the fucking hoo you fucking hoar (;

12:23amClaire

You don't have to deal with this fucking OCD that I don't have