OCD?

I am posting the transcript of a chat with a friend (I have changed her name in the transcript for privacy) here - I think I might have OCD, and I think I described my symptoms fairly thoroughly in this chat (WARNING: Strong language)

Facebook chat on 8/10/09-8/11/09:

11:12pmClaire

So, I sent this psychologist an email telling her about my problems and asking how to do better at life

She answered it on her podcast, and I'm upset about the answer

11:13pmMax

what was it ?

11:13pmClaire

She's some sort of therapist, so I asked my question for help, and she gave some generic advice, but you know what she told me?

She said I need to go see a cognitive therapist.

11:14pmMax

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAA. (((:

11:14pmClaire

And that my questions were disturbing

So I guess I'm messed up in the head. :/:/

11:14pmMax

:))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

11:14pmClaire

FUB

11:14pmMax

i am LOLing so hard right noowwww (:

11:15pmClaire

I just wanted to know what random mental disorder I know nothing about that I must have!

And instead she refers me to a frickin therapist!

11:15pmMax

ahhhhhhhhhhhhh

aaaaaa

11:15pmClaire

NOT FUNNY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

11:16pmMax

you are so paranoiidddd.

11:16pmClaire

GAAHH!!

11:17pmClaire

Honestly, I just want to know if I have OCD or not. Because I tend to have a lot of intrusive thoughts, and I feel obsessed with labels, as well as with my own emotions, judgment, and wrongdoings.

11:18pmMax

everyone is like thatttt.

11:19pmClaire

I don't feel like they're obsessed the way I am, though. Every single day I sit on the computer and go on google and research all this crap, looking for labels for myself.

11:19pmMax

i do sometimes tooo.

11:20pmClaire

But every single day? It's getting out of hand, and I'm angry at myself for wasting all this time thinking about what I know deep down is irrelevant in the grand scheme of things.

And sometimes I can't hold knives because I get urges to hurt people with them

I've imagined killing myself, my sisters, my mom and dad. It would be so easy, and the impulses tell me to do it. And it scares me.

11:21pmMax

why don't you talk to your madreeee about it ???

11:22pmClaire

No.

11:22pmMax

why >

11:22pmClaire

I can't talk to people about it in real life. Only on the internet. I'm too self conscious and paranoid.

11:23pmMax

well write her a e-mail you big dumb bitch.

11:23pmClaire

I could also have socially dependent personality disorder - I get lonely easily and feel a need to be accepted. But then, everyone's like that sometimes.

No.

I don't want her to know.

11:23pmMax

whyyyyyyyyyyy ?

11:23pmClaire

I'm uncomfortable talking about it

I'll brush the subject, and I'll be afraid to the point of being all shaky and numb. I have too much pride anyway

11:24pmMax

i sorrryyy but if you feel like you are going to hurt someone you should tell someoneeee with authority.

11:25pmClaire

I can resist the impulses, I always have, but they're scary.

11:25pMax

:(:( TELL SOMEONE YOU SHIT BAGG.

11:26pmClaire

And also, I'm a germophobe. If I get sick, the outfit I was wearing that day, the songs I listen to, my bedspread, etc. all become "unlucky" and I'll try to avoid them. It's totally irrational, but I do it anyway. I'
M TELLING YOU, BITCH! It feels good to let it out.

11:27pmMax

ahahha okay keep on letting in ouuttt.

11:27pmClaire

Ok, here's a link to a page talking about OCD - http://kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/mental_health/ocd.html#

Tell me if it sounds like what I just told you

11:27pmMax

my computer won't let me open it but claiire you do NOT have ocddd.

11:28pmClaire

Why won't it let you open it? Look it up on Wikipedia. Or maybe I'm neurotic. OCD is a symptom of the general state of being neurotic.

And you know how I learned that? From all my hours of research. God bless Wikipedia.

11:29pmMax

You are such a dorrkkkk <3<3 annnddd is that alllll ?

11:29pmClaire

NO.

11:29pmMax

okay keep going pleaseee.

11:30pmClaire

Tell me I have some disorder. I like it when people tell me I have these disorders. It makes me feel good about myself.

11:30pmMax

you have sexinessidis (; ahaha

11:31pmClaire

I don't know why. It's dumb. I feel like I'm trying to delude myself into having these things to fuel my superiority complex. But I don't know why mental disorders make me feel superior - I get this gleeful feeling when someone mentions that I might have one, though.

11:31pmMax

interestttiinnngggg.

11:32pmClaire

The glee frightens me as well. So I'll argue against the person telling me I have such and such problem, pointing out all the reasons why I DON'T have it, yet I'll WANT to have it at the same time. I think it has to do with my obsession with labels.

You know, you could always copy and paste the link into your browser.

11:32pmMax

no hoe.

11:33pmClaire

Please? It would make me feel better. :):)

11:33pmMax

okkkayyyyyyyyy.

11:33pmClaire

Yay! Thanks! :D:D

11:34pmMax

where do you want to copy and paste ittt ?

11:35pmClaire

Open a new window or a new tab and copy and paste into the web address bar and click go or press enter

11:36pmMax

oh ooooookkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk.

11:36pmClaire

Did it work?

11:37pmMax

no my computer is like not letting me do anything besides the website i'm already on if my computer shuts down i will be right back on okayy.

11:37pmClaire

okay

11:37pmMax

okkaayyy i'm sorrryyyyy ;( i will do it tomorrow thoughhh.

11:38pmClaire

Wait, I can copy and paste stuff into this chat window

Here is a list of common OCD-related obsessions:

fear of dirt or germs
fear of contamination
a need for symmetry, order, and precision
religious obsessions
preoccupation with body wastes
lucky and unlucky numbers
sexual or aggressive thoughts
fear of illness or harm coming to oneself or relatives
preoccupation with household items
intrusive sounds or words

11:39pmMax

sexualllll heyyyy (; ahahah

11:40pmClaire

I dislike germs, but I am not a germophobe. However, I do have religious obsessions, lucky and unlucky numbers and objects, sexual/aggressive thoughts, fear of harm, and intrusive sounds/words

11:40pmMax

hmmmmmmmmmmmm .

11:40pmClaire

I swear one night I heard this kid say in my head, killing is an art. It was completely involuntary, that thought.

11:41pmMax

okay thats a little freakkyyy.

11:41pmClaire

It would also explain my late night "visions"

That's when I can't fall asleep so I think about the gruesome murders of those around me

And all the ghosts and murderers

And I swear, every night I hear things

11:42pmMax

i dothink about that every night so you are not alonnee.

11:42pmClaire

I'll be listening to the fan, and I'll think it's footsteps. I always hear footsteps. Footsteps suck!

11:43pmMax

fffoooo shooooooo.

11:43pmClaire

So sometimes I'll lock my door

But then I'll get worried about it, and I'll think that maybe my mom will try to open the door in the morning and yell at me

Come to think of it, I recheck locks a lot

11:44pmMax

me tooo.

11:44pmClaire

Maybe we both have it, bitch

11:44pmMax

mayybe your physcooo

11:45pmClaire

And maybe this is just a self-fulfilling prophecy and I'm completely normal but I think too highly of myself to believe that I don't have it

11:46pmMax

claire you are a NORMAL teenage girrll.

11:46pmClaire

STFU asshole

11:47pmMax

no like claire you have changed alot since the first time you have joined our troop but in a NORMAL GOOD way.

11:47pmClaire

NO

I don't want to be like this

I want to be carefree and innocent, like I used to be

11:47pmMax

whyyyyyyyyyy ?

11:48pmClaire

I hate death, and pain. I hate thinking about it. My parents think I'm depressed.

I feel like I'm too preoccupied with death.

11:48pmMax

well then maybe you should see a doctor.

11:49pmClaire

NO.

11:49pmMax

then what are you gonna do claireee ?

11:49pmClaire

I can't talk to them. I would waste my parents' money. Besides, there's nothing wrong with me. I'm just deluding myself.

I'm gonna badger you about it

11:50pmMax

okay fine with meeee (;

11:50pmClaire

There's nothing I can do until I know if I have it or not, and I can't know if I have it. I'm afraid of doctors anyway.

I usually end up in tears by the end of every doctor's office visit

11:50pmMax

:OOOOOOOO

11:51pmClaire

?

What's wrong with that? The doctor's office is a death trap

11:51pmMax

you are scared oof something *scarcaticlly

11:52pmClaire

I'm always afraid someone will puke, and there are too many germs. That's also why I avoid the nurse's office in school, even when I feel like complete crap.

11:53pmMax

but you just said you like germmss ?

11:54pmClaire

No, I said I wasn't a germophobe. But that doesn't stop me from hating the doctor's office, because that place is associated with illness and bad memories

11:54pmMax

oh okkkaayayyy i get it noww.

http://static.ak.fbcdn.net/rsrc.php/z2HFX/hash/bjamloip.gif

11:56pmClaire

Back to the subject of my mind, have you ever been praying or something, and suddenly your mind will be all like, Fuck God, fuck this bullshit, and you'll be like no, no, God if you heard that, I didn't mean it FUCK GOD FUCK GOD FUCK GOD, whilst continuing to pray?

11:56pmMax

yeahh hhahah

11:58pmClaire

And do you have any particular things you consider unlucky? I can't listen to the song Wings of a Butterfly by HIM or Carry Your Cross And I'll Carry Mine by Tiamat or Why Can't I by Liz Phair because I believe they'll make me ill.

I also can't use my flowered bedspread, and I wouldn't wear my MCR shirt (I never did again) after I felt sick while wearing it.

12:00amMax

not really i would have to think about ittt.

12:01amClaire

Well I do that sometimes, and I've been doing research while chatting with you, and my religious obsessions could be explained by a branch of OCD known as scrupulosity

12:01amMax

intereesssttiinnnngggg.

12:02amClaire

And according to this one website one in five Americans has OCD, so it would make sense for me to have it

12:02amMax

BUT YOU FREAKINGDONT HAVE ITTTT.

12:03amClaire

I also hoard - I'll save old school papers and stuff because even though they're useless, I'll be thinking about the future and that I might regret throwing them out, and it kind of hurts to get rid of stuff, even junk

12:03amMax

i do that too

12:04amClaire

I'm trying to convince myself that I have it and that I don't have it at the same time

Yesterday

12:04amMax

YOUUUU FUCKING DONT YOU ASS WIPPE.

12:05amClaire

Can you logically back up that hypothesis?

12:06amMax

can you ? a doctor hasn't proven it yet.

12:06amClaire

I want your opinion because I'm afraid of doctors

And I like making my own diagnoses because I don't always even trust doctors. They'll say I don't have something, but I'll keep thinking I have it anyway.

12:07amMax

no you freaking dont beileve meee.

12:07amClaire

How do you know?

12:07amMax

because you dont yo.

12:08amClaire

Why not?

I need a reason!

12:09amMax

really claire you arent just leave it that slampe.

12:09amClaire

Please give me a reason or I'll be upset. :(:(

12:10amMax

you are just overreacting you aee making things seem worse than they areel

12:11amClaire

But why am I overreacting?

12:12amMax

because thats what every teenage girls does overreact.

12:12amClaire

I overreact more than other people. I know it's just my human nature that causes this crap, but I can't stop thinking about it.

12:13amMax

stop overreacting

12:15amClaire

I know why I'm doing this. I'm feeling unending remorse subconsciously, so I'm trying to justify my wrongdoings by blaming them on disorders, thus creating self fulfilling prophecies. But why can't I stop? I'm dumbing myself down, and I'm deluding myself, and I can't stop thinking about it. I want to know WHY.

12:16amMax

STOP BUTTHOLE.

12:16amClaire

Help me!

12:16amMax

i am trying to you jsut nedd to clam downnn.

12:16amClaire

No one listens to my pleas, either that or when they do I tell them nothing's wrong and deny and suspicions of theirs

I am calm.

12:17amMax

interrrestingggggggg.

12:18amClaire

Are you trying to sound all therapist-y?

12:18amMax

yesss.

12:18amClaire

But therapists are probably good spellers!

12:21amMax

true dat true dat

12:21amClaire

lol

FUB

12:22amMax

go fub yourselfff.

12:22amClaire

That makes no sense bitch

And I have a fucking headache from thinking so much

12:22amMax

oh boo the fucking hoo you fucking hoar (;

12:23amClaire

You don't have to deal with this fucking OCD that I don't have

This is a test.

This is my attempt at uploading a video to my blog. My birthday was today (um, yay?), and I got a webcam, much to my delight, so now it appears that I have the new option of shooting a video journal for my blog and/or communicating over video chat with people with webcams and people that have laptops with those little webcams attached.

A cool quote to think about (and, of course, some other stuff)

"A true mind can weather all the lies and illusions without being lost.
A true heart can tough the poison of hatred without being harmed.
Since beginningless time darkness thrives in the void, but always yields to purifying light."

This quote was said in part I or II (out of IV) in the finale of the Avatar: The Last Airbender TV show (which, sadly, is over) by a lion turtle. I'm posting it here because it's something inspiring that I can really think about, and perhaps it will do the same for you, whoever you are. Do you have a true mind? Do you have a true heart? I think this quote means that if you build your life on a strong foundation of faith, loyalty, and kindness, you will be able to stand strong through whatever the world throws at you (just like the Earthbenders on Avatar). The darkness will always be there, and it will always be present in your life, and one can embrace their fears and personal darkness and overcome them if they have a true heart. Those who are true to themselves and ignore the bitterness and hatred of today's society won't fall, and will stay strong, even if they are outcasted for their differences. This quote strongly relates to all of us, in some way.

So, the summer is officially over, which is quite unfortunate. School (and sleepless nights) have made their unwelcome return, and that can't be changed, so let us embrace our previous schedules that we abandoned for the freedom that summer brought, the freedom that has been cruelly taken from us by the dictatorship that is school. I'll be posting more now, since I'm no longer on vacation and away from the computer; I no longer have anything better to do. Some highlights of my extinct summer are:

• Family vacation in Michigan
• Volunteering as a counselor at Camp Foxtail, a Girl Scout resident camp on Mt. Charleston
• Going on a two week Girl Scout trip across Nevada and California
• Sleeping!

Anyone who wants pictures or anything can just email me at cedockery@hotmail.com or eccentricromantigoth@vampirefreaks.com.

Sites to visit:

http://freerice.com/: Donate rice to needy people by merely answering vocabulary questions!

http://vampirefreaks.com/: Embrace your inner darkness with this goth version of Myspace! My username is eccentricromantigoth.

http://twilightlexiconblog.com/: Twilighters, the Lexicon has recovered from being hacked and is providing Breaking Dawn reviews and information about the upcoming movie!

Claire's Rather Infamous Death vs. Life Philosophy

Due to a suggestion by my friend Ellie and and lack of anything better to do, I shall post my long, boring thoughts about life and death. Don't be freaked out by this. I'm not trying to make you take up my opinion. It just that, and opinion. Ok, so here goes.

Are life and death not the very same thing? If you think about it, they thrive upon each other, and thus, neither could exist in this imperfect, mortal world without the other. What would death be without life? If nothing was born and grew after fires consumed and, and death struck out its hand, if the phoenix never rose from the ashes, there would be no point to anything, as everything would die out very briefly, every plague would devastate the human population beyond repair, and the Earth would become a sparse wasteland, standing out in stark contrast to the sanctuary for all known forms of life it once was .... oh, wait a minute. There's no life. None of that would've ever even been there in the first place! There would be no chance for anything to die out if it wasn't even alive!
After all, death is merely a short, inevitable trip from this small, limited world to the next, which, obviously, no living human knows anything about. As for life, what good would it be without death? If we all lived on this Earth forever, it would become overpopulated quickly, and tedium or fights for basic necessities and resources and terror would sink into the lives of everyone. There would be no end to the good things of this world, but there would also be no end to the pain, hatred, and other miserable things that, unfortunately, exist here. Yeah, if there was no death, after probably less than your basic lifetime nowadays, I'd be sick of it all and want to commit suicide, but I wouldn't be able to because there would be no death! It would be awful.
It is believed by many, including me, that (worthwhile) eternal life exist in a place most commonly known as heaven, another world open to those who lead meaningful, righteous lives here in this mortal pit stop of existence. But what human can comprehend eternal life? Earth would be pointless if eternal life existed in its state of imperfection. It would be a living nightmare. Life and death are a circle that will exist until the very end of the world, and they depend upon each other. Are you starting to see my point?
They say life and death are complete opposites, antonyms, an oxymoron when used in the same context; beginnings and endings. But no, there are plenty of different ways to look at it. What classic pessimist wouldn't say that life is an ending to the sweet innocence of nonexistence? And death is but a new beginning, the start of life in the next world. Now then, death and life are each both beginnings and endings.
The mathematical commutative property states that a+b = b+a, so life and death must be equal! Life = beginnings+endings and death = endings+beginnings. b+e = e+b
From a Christian viewpoint, death is life because Christ's death signifies the path to eternal life and the price paid. Yes, indeed, death is a new beginning.
"One short sleep past, wee wake eternally/ and death shall be no more; death, thou shalt die."
-"Death Be Not Proud" (poem)
The poem "Death Be Not Proud" is famous for a reason: it tells the truth. It states that death is inevitable and there are many ways to die. Death overflows in the minds of some, and makes them dread it, but death is really just a gateway to eternal life. Technically, even life in hell is eternal life, because even just being dead and gone into nonexistence forever would be more of a relief than being tortured for an eternity. Just being nonexistent wouldn't allow for one to be brutally tortured. A world like this one with no death would be a living hell, and there is no death without life (what would be there to die?).

Well, anyway, I hope you liked it. I know it got really repetitive, and I apologize for that. I just really wanted to get my point across when I was originally writing this.

Other updates: I'm going to update my Jared fanfic soon (I already have the next chapter written down, but I have to type it up), and I'm going to take another look at my original Jacob fanfic and brainstorm some ideas for the next chapter. The same goes for my Cullen band fic. Also, I created a Gothic outcast quiz on Quizilla. The URL is: http://www.quizilla.com/quizzes/7237346/are-you-a-gothic-outcast
Finally, I'm currently excited because I've just won an E-bay auction for this awesome Ibanez bass guitar, and the special edition of Eclipse (by Stehpenie Meyer) comes out in just six days! That's less than a week, and it's on a Saturday, which means I'll probably get to go to the bookstore to check it out, so I'll get to see the cover and first chapter of Breaking Dawn! Cheers!

The Family Trip to Red Rock Canyon

Over spring break, I traveled with my family to Red Rock Canyon near Las Vegas. Here are some pictures of the rock formation wonders Mother Nature offers in that particular location. They were taken from the Icebox Canyon trail. There's a video taken in that location near the bottom of the page (the bottom of the page serves as my video gallery/collection).
The photos are cut off on the sides. Click on them to view them in my Photobucket album at their full lengths. I would strongly recommend doing that, since some of them were decent photos until they were grossly altered.

My opinion on all the "emo poser" crap that's going around these days

As posted on warriorlegends.12.forumer.com (I'm pasting the post here so I can still do a shout out to the people who live in a divided world due to cliques, social classes, and steryotypes without having to retype the whole thing).

Here's my opinion of emo (note: No offense to anyone here is intended; I have strong opinions and all the people here (edit: meaning on that roleplay site) are some of the most "real" I've ever talked to):

An emo kid, or goth, or scene, or whatever, isn't necessarily someone who cuts themselves or dyes their hair or dresses a certain way or whatever. Sure, there are "guidelines" for fitting in to a certain category or stereotype. But why does that all have to matter? I'm not a prep, and I don't want to be popular. That doesn't mean I have to wear black all the time or listen to one or two specific genres of music. It's it what's on the inside that counts, right? I sound like such a poser of a "peacemaker" saying that, but whatever. It sickens me that people see your appearance first when they look at you. Yeah, I've done it too. I sicken myself sometimes. But that's NOT what it's all about. I would know; last year, I was teased by someone popular because I didn't wear clothes from Abercrombie and Hollister. I tried it out and tried to fit in. I was a poser of a prep. But when I stepped inside those stores and felt like I didn't belong there, I realized that this was NOT the way to go. I mean, who cares if I wear clothes from the Gap or some place like that. And the music- I like heavy metal and that stuff. I'm no poser in that way, but I also like listening to poser bands, and some alternative. Heck, I've even got a Cascada track on my iPod (actually, the only thing I won't listen to is that hip-hop/dance crap that passes as alternative these days). If people are all like "look, I'm emo. Doesn't that rock? Look at all my new black clothes!" they're a poser. It's not about what everyone else thinks, for the last freaking time! I'm sick of it! Posers also pretend to be depressed; they'll be all like, "OMG! My life totally sucks!" when it really doesn't! My life does NOT suck, and I'm not about to say it does. Yes, I question whether I'm worth anything sometimes, but that defeats the purpose. I'm depressed because of the pressure upon my shoulders to be perfect, and all the popular girls that thinks it's cool to spread rumors about people like me because they have nothing better to do with their lame lives. Often I just want to forget about everything and lay in bed all day. And I'm tempted to cuss all the posers (and popular people) out all the time. Still, I've realized that it's not all bad. There are ways to vent my anger, and make things better. Sometimes I do it by swearing and discussing it with my friends. More often I do it by writing. Yes, there's always a way to make it better. For some people it's cutting themselves (and I respect that decision of yours, Shimmerz(edit: Shimmerz is a member of the roleplay site who has turned emo). I believe you're a real emo), but for those who are just pretending, STOP IT! It's not the right way to go! I guess what I'm trying to say is that social stuff doesn't matter as long as you're being yourself. Darn those posers! What they don't realize is that they'd probably be happier if they just went their own way. I was a poser for just about all of last year, but now I do my best to stay away from that path. I've learned from my mistakes. I'M A DARK NERD AND PROUD OF IT!!!! HA!!!!

Alert!

Hey, all you Twilight fans, I think we aught to boycott Nickelodeon's Kids' Choice Awards this year! Why? They didn't nominate Twilight for the best book, for crying out loud! They nominated Harry Potter, Buffy the frickin' vampire slayer, and some other things I can't honestly say I care about. This is unjust; they can't give any crap about how Twilight is a YA novel; the last Harry Potter book was just as violent as any Twilight book, had more bad language, and also contained romance. Also, Eclipse passed up HP on the bestseller list, and HP has been nominated for like five years in a row. It's getting old, people. The series has ended, and some of us are starting to get tired of it. Twilight, on the other hand, deserves even more awards than it's already gotten. Personally, I think it's a whole lot more interesting than a story about a teenage wizard that I read for the first time in the second grade. Not that Harry Potter isn't a really good series, but seriously, it's OVER! The KCA nomination people need a reality check.
(Highlight text to see)